The Dragonfly God

At this moment, sitting in the over-stuffed green chair in my living room, I drink my morning tea, and write. My senses are alive with this beautiful spring day. Windows and doors are wide open, bringing a fresh breeze through the house. Inside these four walls, I am in my own world.

Contemplating the subject matter I will deal with today, I marvel at the natural world that is all around me. I am keenly aware of the silence on this morning only to be interrupted by the fragmented sounds of chirping birds in the backyard. There is also a faint buzzing in the distance. Curious to find out what this is, I look to the source. This is the sound of a dragonfly. It’s bumping up against the screen of my back porch. This dragonfly has flown into a trap of sorts. It must have wondered in through the door earlier this morning.

Although I have no idea what gender this dragonfly is, I decide to assign it one. This is typical male behavior – gets lost, and won’t ask for directions. He seems to be stuck.

The twenty-foot screen enclosure, which traps him in this world, must be a mystery to him. He can see right through the screen to the outside world, and for all he knows, he should be able to just fly right out. Yet, he is struggling, flying into the same barrier again and again. Interestingly, nearer to the ground level of the porch there is a door wide open.

The dragonfly is doing what is instinctual, yet he is getting nowhere.

What the dragonfly is doing makes perfect sense to him – fly upward, that must go out. After many attempts, he gives up and rests, only to try again within a minute.

What the dragonfly doesn’t know is this – the solution for getting out of this trap is to ignore instinct.

My mind is racing with this situation.

The dragonfly has no real awareness of me, of time, or of other choices. For him, there is no existential big picture, no abstract problem solving skills – there is only his world. But there is another world he knows nothing of. He has no real awareness of my house, the screen’s purpose, the screen factory, the options available to him, or me. Yet here I am, a real part of his world. The pathway to freedom lies just ten feet south of his antenna. He cannot see it, and cannot really see me.

Many questions are filling my head now. What can I not see? Is there something, or someone around us, all the time? What worlds are out there beyond my senses?

What should I do about the dragonfly? Am I now the dragonfly’s god? What’s the best thing to do? What’s the loving thing to do?

Just then I notice next to the dragonfly another creature has been snared in this trap – a butterfly. Now there’s a creature that knows struggle. The butterfly exists because of its previous instinctive struggle to emerge from its cocoon. It is actually alive because of that original struggle. In essence, it owes its life to a struggle, and to instinct.  Struggle can be good, transformative, and strengthening. Should I, now the dragonfly god, allow the struggle? Allow the opportunity of strength and learning to take place? Is that the loving thing to do? Is that what a dragonfly god does?

This dragonfly is caught in a trap of mine. In its natural world, it would live out its days with freedom, protect is territory, and reproduce – all instinctually, without forethought. If I don’t save it, maybe it learns a dragonfly life lesson and doesn’t come back to my porch trap. The struggle would have been meaningful, and there would be growth in it. Is that the loving choice I make as the dragonfly god?

If my choice is to lead it out of the porch, and let it go, is it then relying on me to save it whenever it gets trapped again, dependent and retarded in its growth? What is the loving thing to do? Is this the dilemma of other gods?

It’s time to decide. This was my trap. I left the door open. I created this struggle. Yes, it is a lesson, but for all intents and purposes, it is an unnecessary struggle – an unnecessary lesson. This is unnecessary pain that I caused. I decide that the struggle only has meaning, if there is meaning to have.

I, thinking I’m the dragonfly god, act. Much to my chagrin, the great dragonfly resists my attempts to save it.  I forget that it knows nothing of me, my intent, my desires, or my struggle. It continues to go along with its own instinct, and why not.  Why should it do otherwise? Why should it do anything but follow its basic instinctive survival directives?  What else is there to do?

Instinct (notwithstanding the overall successful survival of our species, and top of the food chain position) can get us in trouble.

Eventually, the dragonfly lands on the tips of the broom I am extending to him and allows me to move him outside the door. Watching as he flies skyward, it is clear to me that he has no real understanding of what just happened.  He has no awareness of how I just struggled. He flutters away on instinct.

Is there a bigger mysterious and unknown existence around us all the time? Although there is no definitive answer to this question, I humbly offer an observation. On the dragonfly, there is a microbial world. Each individual microbe has no awareness of, or experience in, the world of the dragonfly. There is no doubt that the microbe is alive, depends on the dragonfly, and lives a complete and satisfying microbial life. The microbe knows what it knows through the perceptual abilities it has evolved into – no more, and no less. The dragonfly is the microbe’s god. The dragonfly is a god, and has a god. That is the way it works.

The microbe does not know that the dragonfly is there; the microbe simply exists. The dragonfly does not know that I am there; the dragonfly simply exists. I do not know the larger reality around me; I simply exist. My basic perceptual abilities limit what I can know about what is around me. But, unlike the dragonfly, I can speculate that a larger reality exists beyond my sensory and intellectual grasp and interacts with my world in a way that I am unaware of.  This would be an ever-present larger reality – this would be my god.

Sometimes, with all of the stubborn persistence of the dragonfly, we hit our heads against walls.  We make our bad choices again and again hoping for the walls give way to will. Instinctual drives lead us to believe that the force of willpower can produce wanted results.  We struggle.

It is when we stop trying to force our own will on the world that we find the way out of self-imposed struggles. This notion may seem contrary to natural instinct, and therefore may feel frightening at first. Facing the unknown is like that. Until, what was previously unknown to you becomes surprisingly desirable. Perhaps, like my dragonfly friend, we could all benefit from gentle reminders from mysterious ever-present larger realities.

Will I recognize the guidance of the broom when it is presented to me? If I rely on basic perceptual ability, surely I will be unaware of its presence. I have acknowledged that the broom owner exists, and believing that the broom is within my grasp at all times is comforting. To locate a physical manifestation of the broom may be an act of futility. To climb aboard anyway is an act of faith.

Evolve into Your Purpose...

How do you spend your time?

Put some time and effort into consciously determining what is important to you.

Then start living your life according to those values.

When you do this - when you live your values - you evolve and everything else will work.

Your purpose is determined by you.

My Own Evolving Belief System

A major message of WGPMBC is to establish a belief system of your conscious choice.  Having done that conscious work long ago, I want to share my beliefs here.  The items are in no particular order.  These are in most instances ideals that I fall short of.  Nonetheless, they have meaning to me, and I strive toward living as such:

My Moral Code / Beliefs About Living Well

1.  With regard to decision-making: When in doubt, choose a path that leads to peace of mind.

2.  I am what I choose. I evolve into my choices.

3.  Strive to Behave Lovingly. This means - do no harm / be of benefit unconditionally.  If I am not generally doing this, some facet of my belief system requires re-alignment.

4.  The answer to any problem is to do more or less.

5.  Devalue this: external judgment, external criticism, external authority, external control, external power.

6.  Value this: Acceptance, Discovery, Equality, and Creating Peace.

7.  Only I can un-invent myth in my belief system.  Only I can establish my truth and my integrity.

8.  Strive at all times to establish and maintain peace of mind.

9.  Trust in the way of the universe.

10.  Continue to study the nature of reality and it’s basic meaning/purpose.

11.  See the big as the little, and the little as the big.

12.  Remember what you are told - but trust what you see.

13.  Live in moments of time.

14.  Establish and maintain healthy loving connection with people.

15.  I am as effective in this life as are my best ideas brought to light.

16.  All feelings are temporary. Peace of mind is a concept worthy of my attention and can be experienced in moments.

17.  “Negative” emotion is a rooted in unresolved fear.

18.  Fear is an illusion, perceive it as such and engage in problem solving, supported by and based on my belief system.

19.  Valued ideas: Eight Verses for Mind Transformation.

20.  Fearlessness in living.

21. There is a perspective from which all of the drama of human interaction is seen with a smile of gratitude and it is my intention to live from that perspective.

(Last update: 03/02/2010)

~ From The Book: Why Good People Make Bad Choices ~

A Secret is Revealed...

You are ultimately responsible for the manner in which you think about things. Therefore, you are ultimately responsible for your feeling experiences. Feelings are choices made by you.

If I choose to maintain angry feelings, I will eventually conclude, “I have become an angry person.” If I choose to maintain sad feelings I will conclude, “I am a sad person.” If I consistently choose to act irresponsibly, “I have become an irresponsible person.” It seems that I become what I consistently choose over time. “I am responsible for my choices, what I choose, I become.” To this extent, self-image is a decision made by you.

When you acknowledge and accept these ideas about responsibility, there can be freedom in knowing that you are not stuck. You can create your own joyful feeling experiences, and a self-image of your own choosing.

Pages 170 –171

~Also from: Why Good People Make Bad Choices~

The cognitive challenge [for being glad] is:

“What is going my way in my life?”

“What do I have in my life that I am pleased with or grateful for?”

“In what way am I proud of me?”

“What am I looking forward to?”

and

“Are my above responses supported by my belief system?”

Page 165

A Perspective of Fear

 We want approval and acceptance – We like to be liked! The alternative – rejection – can be painful. “I just worry that they won’t like me” has been spoken in the privacy of my office countless times over the years. Also common is the phrase, “Is it fair if I ask them to change, they won’t like it.” In my experience rejection is one of the most common human fears. Psychotherapy peels back the cognitive layers of many day-to-day fears, phobias, and anxieties to unmask this nagging issue. But, is it a malignancy, or a benign reminder from the past of something vitally important – avoid being cast away from the other people.

Our basic neurological systems have evolved over eons within the context of social environments. A mere hundred thousand years ago, before we had sophisticated language abilities, we might find ourselves amongst a group of human beings living near a cave or in a group of huts. Today, we remain virtually unchanged genetically, every neuron we have is working on the assumption that life is best with others – to go it alone means danger, great hardship, and possibly death. The consequence of solitary confinement is a very effective deterrent of bad behavior in prisons. Social isolation produces some pretty disturbing psychological results. If you are cast away from society, you could find yourself making friends with a soccer ball to avoid insanity. The bottom line: we hate being alone for long periods of time.

In my psychotherapy practice I teach a theory about instinctual human functioning that includes the idea that the human ego has a subconscious agenda. Huh? That’s right, your ego has an agenda. The ego is a construct based on the tendency to identify with your body’s needs and wants. We can’t really avoid this identification. When you were a child, your body sent you messages that it was hungry, thirsty, tired, or lonely. These powerful needs demanded to be taken care of. If you neglected this ego voice for too long your very survival may have been at stake. Then, and now, your instinctualized ego urges you to do this: minimize pain, maximize gratification, establish control and power over environments and people, and create an ego-based ideal set of circumstances. In other words, it’s good to be in a position of royalty.

The fear of social rejection is instinctual. In the deepest depths of our minds, we are sure that it is dangerous, and we go to great lengths both consciously and subconsciously to avoid it. We will even forgo our own important needs and wants to stay with the pack. And why not, it is in the company of others that we most efficiently manage the challenges of survival. The challenge we all have is to figure out how to maintain a healthy and fulfilling balance of meeting our own needs and wants while being ever-aware of the needs and wants of the groups we are associated with. And, hanging in the balance between survival and the death of isolation is – integrity.

Do I matter?

This is a huge place – the universe we live in. And, we have been around here for a long time. Estimates would suggest that time and space as we know it began many billions of years ago in a single explosive event. The end of time is nowhere in sight as it continues to unfold toward infinity. These are large and abstract concepts; an infinite universe existing in an endless timeframe, difficult to understand in any meaningful way by the human brain.

In such a universe, do I matter? Within the context of relativity, we may find a satisfying answer. If I perceive myself with respect to the vast universe just described, I can honestly say “no” I am a relative speck of nothing. Even if I scale down to an extremely smaller time and place such as – this planet over a five hundred year time span – I am lucky to be a footnote in history, or have a face in a dust covered high school yearbook. If, I conclude my worth based on this information, I dare say I am but a speck upon a speck.

Wait! Let’s scale down even further, to a time and space closer to home. Do I matter to my friend, or to my child? Have I made a difference in someone’s life in a single choice to love unconditionally? Now we’re getting somewhere. I begin to matter, when I perceive myself in a scaled down perspective.

What if, I have no friend, no family, no child, no partner – do I matter? And what if we talk about today – right here, and right now? In other words, can I matter as an isolated me? From the vast and expansive universe, to my small space in a moment, the matter of “do I matter” becomes complex. As usual, extremes in life become problematic, even paradoxical.

Ultimately, whether I matter, or not, is relative. It all depends on how I define the variables of time and space. I am invisible as an amoeba in a cosmic ocean. And it seems that just existing in isolation doesn’t equate to more matter, but less.

Essentially, a big look at me suggests I’m nothing, and a tiny perspective leads to the same conclusion. The middle ground remains sacred and meaningful. My meaning is found there, amongst other souls. Joy is created there, in relationship to others.

In the beginning, there was potential...

Quantum physics says this: energy (life) is all about potential.

Add this: perception is a choice.

Now...

Ask yourself this: what is your default (established norm) perception of life? That perception is what you will find as you observe yourself, others, and the world around you.

You are then creating a reality in your mind.

Here is what I believe:

The external world is real; it is what it is.

It is your choice in how to see it, and how to interact with it.

What you see as the external world is a collaborative creation from all who have come before us; it is purely a mass-ive thought manifestation.

This manifestation is not an illusion, it is real.

The illusion is that what you perceive is unchanging.

The illusion is that what you perceive is all there is.

The illusion is that how you perceive is universally true for everyone.

The fact of [the] matter is: everything changes, there is more than our perception can take in, and perspective is unique.

My perception of the manifestation becomes my reality.

We evolve into our choices.

Stress Science 101

A quick look at Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary tells us about stress (www.m-w.com). The most relevant definition for our topic says that stress is bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium. In other words, I feel stress when something messes up my day, my relationship, or my lifestyle. The forces that can upset my emotional applecart are around me all the time. I hate it when my emotional equilibrium gets tossed about. What shall I do?

As a therapist, I come to work each day ready to coach people through the stresses and strains of their lives. I can't recall a time when I actually said, “Well John, it sounds like the applecart which serves as a metaphor for your emotional equilibrium has been disturbed and perhaps tossed about.” On the other hand, I generally say something like this, “John, do you think your stress has more to do with worry, or with anger?” Now if John is unsure, I throw out another therapeutic gem, “Um, stress is sort of a generic work, it usually means you are feeling some kind of emotional upset. Your stress may have more to do with things that aren’t going your way and so you have a buildup of anger through the day. Or, it may be that you have a lot of things you worry about which results in an anxious stress. The way to fix your stress is to figure out what the emotional basis for it is, and then deal with it there.”

There are plenty of ways to deal with the effects of your stress. Experts suggest everything from stamp collecting to yoga. Along with those approaches, I suggest managing stress on the front end. That’s right, I’m talking about prevention. The first step is to break down your experience of stress into emotional realms. This means specifically writing down the emotions and the causes. On a piece of paper, make your lists. At the top of the page, make a list of the things you are angry or frustrated with. Next, a list of what you worry about. And lastly, a list of what you might feel guilty about. Now you have a concrete beginning to conquering your stresses. Your next job is to take on each of the items on your lists and begin problem solving.

You’re not alone. Don’t be afraid to get some help with your problem solving. There is a famous Albert Einstein quote that says, “You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.” We all know that two perspectives are better than one. Talk to a friend, join a local support group, or go to an online support chat. If you need more, a good therapist could help you sort your list in brief therapy.

As a final bit of assistance, go to the web and search out information on stress management.

Competitive vs. Cooperative Relationships

In order for bad relationships to become good relationships, they must transition from being essentially competitive to essentially cooperative.

What is a competitive relationship? 

A competition exists when there are at least two opponents trying to win something.  We can see clearly in some competitions that the sought after prize is to get the most goals, to get the jury to agree with you, to sell the most cars, or more vaguely to be the best'est, fast'est, strong'est, smart'est.  In personal relationships, competitiveness can be fun or turn ugly and cause its demise.  In committed partnerships or marriages competitiveness can become destructive.

I have spent many countless hours seeing couples in relationship therapy.  It is all too common for there to be a competitive foundation in these relationships.  In most of these cases, there is little if any insight as to this "competition."  The arguing and fighting itself is seen as the problem, "We just don't agree on anything."  Or, "We just don't communicate." 

As a matter of fact, a communication is happening all the time. Each argument, conflict, or disagreement is a communication about differences of beliefs.

Each individual in a relationship has a system of beliefs or ideas about what is important, how things should be done, who should do what, and what the relationship should be like. The conflicts they maintain are forms of subconscious competition, "my way, versus your way."  Each individual is attempting to win by "getting their way."

Q: How do we compete in relationships? 

A: Criticism, Judgment, Parental Authority, Threat.  

Get you to change your mind by criticizing your way, idea, or belief. 

Bring you down by making judgments, "you are...lazy, selfish, stubborn, brainless, thoughtless, crazy, a nag, a jerk, etc..." 

Assume parental authority over you, "I know what's best for you, you need to (or should) just do what I say..." 

Threaten you with a consequence. This is to control you if you don't do what I tell you to do.  (This is different from being assertive or giving an ultimatum, in which I describe what my actions will be when you are non-compliant with the mutual rules of our relationship.)

Not sure if this is your behavior in the midst of argument, conflict, or disagreement?  Monitor your thinking the next time.

The solution?  Cooperation.  Read on for those steps.

<~~~~~~~~>

7 steps to the Cooperative Relationship.

1.  Accept that it is okay for people (your partner) to have and maintain different beliefs than you.

2.  Accept that it is okay for people (your partner) to have different opinions than you.

3.  Accept that it is okay for people (your partner) to do things in different ways than you.

4. Acknowledge that critical, judgmental, parental/authoritative, or threatening behaviors are ultimately destructive to the relationship.  In these behaviors you “do damage” to the person and/or the relationship.

5.  Ask yourself, “What do I think about my partner if he or she has different beliefs than I do?”

6.  Make a commitment to discontinue statements to your partner that are critical, judgmental, parental/authoritative, or threatening.

7.  Make a commitment to request the changes you want.   Ask in a friendly and respectful way.

What to do with time and energy.

Are your time and energy limited? When discussing a troubling or unwanted behavior with one of my clients, I often ask, “How much time and energy to you spend in that activity?” If time and energy are limited in life, then the choices you make about how to live are critical. If this is so, can we maximize what we have?

I know we have a limited amount of time in life.  There are only so many hours in a day. I can do my best to maximize my sleep quality. And, I can find a balance between optimal percentages of sleep and quality wakefulness. Eventually, to avoid psychosis, I do need to sleep. In the end, time availability is finite.

The actual amount of personal energy I have is perhaps more uncertain. A law of thermodynamics says that energy cannot be created or destroyed. I don’t think you can “think” more energy into your body. You can only physically add it or subtract it from the system in which it is maintained. Essentially then, energy levels are dependent on consumption and expenditure.

It takes energy to run your body. This energy comes from consumption – plenty of healthy liquids, and whole foods that are nutrient dense. Expenditures of energy occur on two levels: physical and psychological.

On a physical level, I would be wise to balance a minimal amount of body weight while having enough muscle to manage the tasks of my life. I don't want to waste my energy carrying excess weight. Over a lifetime that can add up to a reduction of my time on this planet.

When I have built a healthy body and have maximized the quality of my sustenance, I move on to another factor of physical expenditure – “How much am I moving my body every day?” Again, there is a balance to achieve here. Having virtually no physical movement is not good and would bring on obvious consequences. On the other hand, running a marathon or wrestling alligators every day would age the body more quickly and most likely result in physical disabilities over time. So what is the optimal amount of exercise for your body then? Most health experts suggest some kind of aerobic activity three to four times a week for thirty to sixty minutes. This keeps your cardiovascular system in good shape. There are untold amounts of emotional, psychological and physical benefits that come along with this plan. Also, to maintain muscle and bone density, weight-bearing exercise is essential on a regular basis.

This brings me to the last expenditure: psychological. There is no doubt that stress can drain you of energy. The big stressors in life cause you to feel emotional pain. In my book, Why Good People Make Bad Choices, I assert that there are four primary types of painful emotion; anger, sadness, guilt, and fear. If you experience intensity with any of these, you will feel your energy being used. Why? As you experience stress, your body is subconsciously told to prepare for “bad things to come.” If you are stressing – where is your energy going? Perhaps you are bleeding psychological energy while being consumed with the notion of, “what will I do with this problem?” There can be much energy expenditure in problem solving; the bigger the problem, the more taxing of your energy. Either consciously or subconsciously you are processing the following information, “There is a problem/danger ahead, and I must deal with that.”

A question remains, “Do I have a limited amount of energy available to me? Or, is the amount of energy available to me unlimited? And, is there something I need to do to get more?”

My answer is this: “I have a finite amount of energy available to me, but I can do much to maximize my energy potential, and use it more efficiently.” Here’s my plan for doing so:

1) My brain runs on the energy that is produced by my body. I will maximize my potential for making energy available to my brain and use it for adaptive processes. I will manage my time well.

2) I will be an efficient problem solver. I will be able to experience the problems inherent in living, effectively resolve them with integrity, and move on.

3) With a limited amount of energy available to me, and a limited amount of time in my life, I want to spend it wisely. I will spend it on what brings integrity to my life. I will take the time to clearly establish what is important to me, and then live my life accordingly.

4) I will direct my attention to positive things in life.

5) Finally, to maximize my personal energy I will: create quality sleep, engage in meditation, exercise regularly, eat appropriate amounts of good food, drink water, resolve emotional stress efficiently (anger, sadness, guilt, fear/worry), create joy, and experience gladness.

How integrity is built...

I watched Charles on TV this week as Tampa Bay's local expert on choice making.  The scenarios the panelist asked him to comment on are in the extreme:  the runaway bride, exploitation of women, and smoking crack at middle school.  No doubt, these folks have had serious lapses of judgment followed by, at the risk of sounding polite, bad choices.

In daily life, regular people do not encounter these types of sensational choices.  We experience little things, life events where our integrity is challenged.  For television, smoking crack and high profile arrests are what we want to see, but life does not always work that way.  For the real world, our good choices are cumulative.  Integrity is built one small choice at a time.  Answering the phone when your mother calls even when you are busy.  Stopping rather than yielding at stop sign.  Taking your dog for a walk when its raining.  Not getting inpatient with the elderly woman in front of you in the check out line. 

This his how integrity is built, one small good choice at a time.

Guest Writer:  Colleen Allen McHenry

Instinct is good

Today I’m about fifteen minutes into my run in the woods.  Up ahead about twenty yards, I see what appears to be a large white Labrador retriever. This is not that unusual considering that people sometimes bring their dogs along for a trip through the woods and I run into them periodically.  It occurs to me that there is no person to go along with the dog and as I’m getting closer I realize that this is no dog – this is a wild hog.  This is when my heart starts thumping.

I’m a mile and a half into this run, and there are no people anywhere near here.  My brain starts moving quickly, scanning through options for my predicament.  I start by looking for a climbable tree just in case.  I guess the flight part of my reaction takes precedent over the fight plan.  In a stubborn and alpha-male assessment, I say to myself, “I’m not going back because of this stupid pig…I’m going forward.” 

Now my caveman mind begins to look for fighting tools.  I locate a couple of tree branches, three to four feet in length, and then I spy a piece of wood about the size of a football.  Now I’m ready.  I move forward a couple of paces and begin making some kind of guttural Neanderthal mooing sounds.  I’m still not sure how I made these sounds; they were just all of a sudden there, coming out of my mouth, like some left-over genetic anomaly.  I am not having any effect on the big pig ahead of me so I give the wooden football in my hand a heave toward my opponent.  Having no experience with this, my throw misses by a good three feet and has no appreciable effect.  I give it a second shot with the next football I see, and it lands a couple of inches off of Mr. Pig’s dirty little feet.  He scurries off ahead in the trail and I let out a loud a big “uuug” sound.  Now who’s in change, who’s the man Mr. Pig? 

With a tree branch in each hand, I make my way to jogging forward along the twisted trail. Encountering my opponent a few more times, I unload my ammunition as needed and eventually watch as he scurries off into the woods, off the trail, and out of my sight. 

On this day, instinct is good.  If I were operating on the basis of my modern mentality, the advanced and supposedly evolutionarily superior way of thinking, perhaps I would have turned around at first sight of my foe, and taken a different path. 

In WGPMBC, there is a clear distinction between the instinctual path of the human ego, and the consciously developed path of having created a belief system.  I remain solidly convinced that this theory can change lives.  That being said, instinct is good.  We are all here today because of it.  We have survived harsh and dangerous times in our past thanks to having good instinct.  It is only when we take that instinct to extremes and rely on it solely for making day to day decisions that it becomes a problem.  It is then that we ignore our values, eat too much, try to control people, and spend too much time looking for the attention of others. 

I can become a slave to human instinct. Or, I can use it wisely, as needed.  This is the choice we all have.

P.S.  Having done a bit of research since my ordeal, I have leaned that this pig was probably of no danger to me, and was most likely more interested in foraging for food than in eating me.  Oh well, ug ug.

Yoga

I’m not a group workout guy.  Fitness classes, spinning, that kind of stuff is just not for me.  I like doing my own thing, at my own pace.  Occasionally, I run with a friend, or bike with a small group.  Having said that, I have to say that I recently experienced the ultimate yoga workout.  The yoga teacher was – Colleen – my wife.  I've taken her classes before, and I have always been impressed with how she relates to the class.  This past Wednesday, she really taught the perfect yoga class.  It was a good combination of stretching, strength work, and relaxation.  The lesson I continue to learn is try new things.

Life’s an evolution, keep evolving.

Big small steps

We can surely accomplish much in our lives, if we know which direction we are going in, set our course and sail. In a long journey, any minor course adjustments can translate to major transitions over time. Big change can be difficult. Why not make well thought out small changes that make big differences over time. 

Passion

I'm a runner.  Running is one of my passions. While running, it seems as though my brain works better. Maybe it's a steady flow of oxygen rich blood pumping into my noggin, maybe it's runners high, maybe it's a maxed out neuro-transmission of endorphins - whatever it is, it feels good. 

Also, I do my most creative thinking when running, problems seem less problematic, and life seems to make more sense.  Today I ran.  I came to interesting thought, figure out what your fears are, and see if you can find a way to laugh at them. 

I like to run on trails.  My favorite place to run is in the north-east part of Hillsborough County at the Morris Bridge Road off-road | bicycling | trails. This is a great place to run. Once you are into the trails, you run much of the time under the canopy of trees.  I can really get lost in my thoughts out there.  It's like an hour of silent meditation.  It is a complex system of trails if you don't have a map. I wouldn't advise going without a good map and a cell phone at least the first time. I realize that having at least one passion in life if important. This is one of mine.

Clarification

If you haven't read WGPMBC, and you have wondered around this website, you may wonder what is the fourth ego agenda item mentioned in other areas of this site.

As stated earlier in this blog, (Instinctual laws of self-preservation) I have gone out on a theoretical limb with WGPMBC. I have stated in no uncertain terms that the basis of human dysfunction can be brought into focus with four simple instinctual tendencies.  I call these tendencies, the ego's agenda. 

The fourth agenda item is, "ego-ideal."  To clarify this concept, from now on I've decided to refer to this fourth item as, "idealization - internal/external."  In other words, a major focus of the human ego is to be idealized by self and by others.  "Really," you may say.  I may then say, "well, why do good people make bad choices?"  One reason is that we sometimes focus too much on "what other people think of us" (external idealization) and then make choices accordingly - sometimes these are bad choices.  We also may focus on our own sense of needing to be "right, best, smartest, coolest, fastest," etc. (internal idealization), and make bad choices accordingly.

Love

Here is my two part (dual) definition of love:

1st:  Love - to do no intentional harm.

From this perspective of love, I am guided in my relationships.  I know to not harm intentionally those that I love.  And if I can accomplish that, I have been loving.

2nd: Love is a gift - it is a beneficial behavior with no conditions attached.

It’s what I chose to do without the expectation of something done for me in return. 

If I'm waiting for something in return for my beneficial behavior, it’s not an unconditional gift of Love.  Rather, it’s a conditional aspect of a relationship.

Love is expressed in the behavior of

doing no harm

and

in the gift of unconditional and beneficial behavior.

This is the whole Love coin – the active, and the passive sides of Love.  The yin and the yang, the do and the don’t. 

A sensible fit for the dualistic universe that we live in.

Five Attitudes For Living

Choice – choose joy, live life gladly.
Integrity – live your moral code.
Peace – in humility, through training the mind.
Clarity – of passion, appreciation of the body.
Resolve – fearlessness, bring it on.

Wisdom

Heart rate is soaring.  Sun beating down on my body.  I’m running mid-morning on sunny Bayshore Boulevard in South Tampa.  Paralleling Hillsborough Bay, it is a favorite place of mine to get in a few miles of training.  I run on the grass along side the sidewalk where I am passed by skaters and cyclists reminding me that I am not alone in my suffering on this sweltering day. 

I have no actual physical pain.  The stress of this run is really all in my head.  Heart rate is up there, but nowhere near threatening to my health – unpleasant however without a doubt.  Running is usually a pleasurable experience.  There are days however, like this one, where I suffer in some respect.  Soon, I stop at the water fountain near the Gasparilla pirate ship along the bay.  The water here is cool and refreshing on my melting skin.  “Just a few more minutes to go,” I tell myself, with a reminder, “the stress is all in my head, it’s not real.” 

I push forward, urging my brain to shut down the pain, knowing that I can ignore it, and think of something else.  This strategy is really working; I put one foot in front of the other and stride on.  I tell myself, “I’m going to call that kind of stress 'illegitimate suffering.'  It’s 'illegitimate' because it does me no good.  It is only real if I pay attention to it, and give it life. 

I’m hot, tired, and drenched in sweat, and if I pay attention to it, I will probably slow down or stop. If I choose to ignore it, I will maintain my forward momentum, and get to my destination.  Some suffering – like bills, leaky plumbing, and a broken leg, I should attend to.  That suffering exists in reality and can cause me problems if ignored.  Other kinds of problems, we can give life by attending to them in our thoughts. 

We can conjure up many problems and stresses to worry about if we want to.  Knowing what pain to attend to and what to ignore – this is the kind of wisdom worthy of cultivating.

A Perspective of Happiness

If I were born in a poor third world country village, dirt and sickness would surround me. Maybe I’d be lucky enough to live in a hut, and as the oldest, I’d proudly care for my siblings. I’d feel lucky if I could go to the new school, but most likely I’d venture off to meet wonderful people in the local market and create resources for my family. We’d be living a good life in the midst of poverty. As I got older, I’d get work with my one of my parents and learn their trade. Maybe I’d even meet some of the village elders who could point me in the direction of a steady income or introduce me to someone to begin my own family with. Ah, now that would be the life.

If I were born into a Hollywood family, glitz and glamour would surround me. I’d live in a wonderful but small home with a nanny to care for my needs. Perhaps I’d go to the finest schools, meet the finest friends, and hang out at the finest places. This would be a fine but ordinary life in the midst of the opulence. As I got older, I’d hope to have connections so that I could pursue my dreams to become an actor, a musician, or maybe an artist. As for my friends, their future roads are paved ahead with the bricks of fame that were earned by their famous parents. If only I had those roads in front of me. Ah, now that would be the life.

No matter what your situation—Hollywood or Villagewood—there will always be the pains of disappointment, loss, regret, and fear. Why? It’s human nature to want more. I believe that happiness is a perceptual challenge. We can be happy to the extent that we create it perceptually. To that end, I encourage my clients to answer the following questions: 1) What in your life is going basically the way you want it to?  2) What do you feel fortunate to have in your life? 3) What are you proud about? 4) What are you looking forward to?

Because perception is ultimately a matter of choice, so is happiness. Given a choice of birthplaces, would you choose the Hollywood life, or the third-world life? Each would have its own joys, challenges, and anxieties to experience, “Hmm, buy the green Mercedes sedan, or the brown Lexus convertible?” “Umm, lets see, which path to walk home, through the mud, or through the thicket?” Anxiety is anxiety whether picking out cars or pathways to traverse.  In the end, I can choose to focus my time and attention to that which churns my pain, or nurtures my very existence.

Purpose?

Several years ago I saw a sad young man who asked me a question, "What’s the purpose of life?" Now in the life of a therapist, this might be a golden opportunity – the reason for being in the profession. While the words may have generally flown from my lips, on this day, I paused to consider the question.

This was a very bright kid, and he required a very bright answer. Hopefully I could provide it. With mounting pressure and silence overhead, I squeaked out the best therapeutic response I could, "What do you mean?" That was good because I just bought myself a couple of seconds to think, which is usually enough for me to relax, allow my ego brain to shut down, and my allow my higher therapeutic thinker to engage.

My young client persisted in his inquiry, which was reasonable, “Life's so hard sometimes, what's the purpose?”

Now I was under the gun, but I was ready, "Well, people have been asking those questions for a long time. There are two ways to look at it. Are we talking about the purpose of life in general, or the purpose of an individual’s life? The answer to the first question would depend on who you ask. Major religions and eastern philosophies try to answer that question for us. The answer to the second question is up to the individual to decide.

In general, your purpose is...whatever you chose to do with your time." The higher therapeutic thinker part of me got my attention. Hmmm, the purpose of my life is whatever I choose to do with my time. I think I like that.

Instinctual laws of self-preservation

What is the ego, and where does it come from? If you look up the work ego in the dictionary, you find that the first reference is to "I" or to the "self" as contrasted to the rest of the world. Sigmund Freud popularized the term as a reference to a specific part of the self that played mediator to id and superego. I am using the term with respect to its original literal intent, purely as a reference to a sense of self. That being said, we all have a sense of self - we all have an ego sense of self. Within the syntax of the title of my book there is an embedded question, and an implied answer - Why [do] Good People Make Bad Choices? This book has an answer to that question, as stated.

The reason that good people make bad choices is generally related to ego. How is your ego formed? It is initially formed over a period of time in your first decade of life according to your interaction with your environment. For example, when a person is exposed to a dangerous or abusive environment, then they will respond to that environment according to certain instinctual laws of self-preservation. Many latter life choices will then reflect those well-established tendencies. Good people make bad choices because on some level they are making choices according to these laws of self-preservation.

In WGPMBC I refer to these laws collectively as, The ego's agenda and they are: 1) Minimize physical and emotional pain, 2) Maximize physical and emotional gratification, 3) Establish and maintain external power and control, and 4) Establish and maintain the ego-ideal. To get a better sense of the power of the ego's agenda in your life, it is simply a matter of looking at most any unwanted behavior, unwanted thinking, or unwanted feelings through the eyes of the ego's agenda. In other words, "How does _______ (behavior, thought, feeling) minimize my emotional pain or stress? How does _______ maximize my gratification? How does ______ establish or maintain my power or control over people or places? How does _______ establish an ego-based ideal situation, or bring about my own ego-based idealization?" The unwanted item may or may not fit all areas.  However, sometimes one “hit” may be enough to make sense of why it is maintained.

Web Exposure

It occurred to me at some time when I first began writing WGPMBC that I was possibly going to be exposing my brain to many people. It was a bit strange at first, the idea of mass exposure - complete strangers glimpsing into my inner world. There is some degree of fear that goes along with idea that your mind could be laughed at. Someone could find a fatal flaw with your theory, and the whole manuscript would come crashing down like a house of cards. What then was the motivation to continue writing? There is also the possibility that because of what you write, someone (perhaps many someones) would benefit. Moreover, regardless of what the outcome may be, the process of writing is a positive experience in many ways. There is a creative side of the psyche that is opened up and it is given physical life in the form of bytes on a page of text.

The thing is, I have gone out on a theoretical limb with WGPMBC. I have stated in no uncertain terms that the basis of human dysfunction can be brought into focus with four simple instinctual tendencies. Surely, there is going to be scrutiny of this theory. There is going to be criticism. There will be e-attacks? And, I am ready to hear them. I am open to hearing any and all feedback on the theory behind WGPMBC. The interaction will no doubt be beneficial for all who partake. I am hopeful that there will be positive responses as well. You can respond to any writing by going to this link: Office Visit.

So here I am again, opening up my brain to a variety of individuals: wife, child, parent, sibling, extended family member, friend, client, WGPMBC reader, random web surfer, colleague, office mate, editor, publisher (did I miss anyone?). As I continue with this my writing, I want to imagine a representative of all of you, present before me in my brain. Maybe some sense of what is going on in here could be made. Daunting indeed...maybe I would be better off kicking you all out, and morph this into some sort of monologue...ahhh, now that's much better. So I will write away. All the while, mindful of your presence, and my own.