Charles Lawrence Allen

Needs and Wants in relationships.
Q: I have a friend (for real) who has been married to his wife for 6 years. She is bi-polar and during this marriage, the first year was bliss. They had been child hood sweethearts and reunited after 25 years apart. The next 5 years, she became addicted to prescription drugs, he became Superman literally. He cooked, cleaned, worked 2 jobs, took her to doctors appointments, encouraged her to go to therapy, all while she continued a downward spiral into depression and literally slept the last 4 months of their marriage and he divorced her. He still insists on talking to her everyday now that she is out of state and has nobody else to make all her decisions for her. I am his friend and have to sit back and let him make his own mistakes but I feel that even though, myself, his counselor and his mother have told him it's best that he moves on and doesn't talk to her anymore, he still feels sorry for her and can't do it. It tears me up to sit back and watch...any advice?
Brenda
Jacksonville, FL

A: Thanks for your letter. As a good friend, I agree that you should stand aside and let him make his own mistakes. However, you get to decide how you want to participate in a relationship with him. So, be sure that you are getting your needs and wants taken into consideration by him. That may sound selfish at first, but that's what relationships are all about - and exchange of needs and wants.

For example, if it were me, I would be sure that his relationship with his ex, is contained between he and her, I dont need to know about it, nor do I want to hear about it. I would keep our relationship about our fun, and about us.

That's how I see it.

Sisterly Relationships.
Q: I care too much about my family. I always find myself upset with them. I am not angry at them, just sad. My sister has made a series of bad choices and I am afraid she is going to get hurt and I only want to help her. How can I help her or can I?
Connie
Akron, OH

A: You have a good heart Connie. While it is sometimes quite painful to watch others make what we think are "bad" choices, sometimes it is the best thing to do. When we want to help, it seems (feels) contradictory to sit by and watch. There are some good books out there about codependency that describe this problem very well. I would suggest reading one of them for more information. In the mean time, let your sister know that you are available to her for support. Get out of the habit of giving advice unless it is specifically asked for. Allow others the opportunities to learn from their choices and grow. Take the energy you spend on worrying about others, and do something positive for yourself. As you make these changes, others may need some time to adapt to the new you. They may wonder if you "still care." Let your caring for them show in different and more concrete ways, so that there is no mistake that they can still count on you if they do need specific feedback. As you make these changes, you may initially feel an increase of anxiety, worry, or sadness: fear as you wonder what bad things will happen to them, and, sadness as you realize that your relationship is changing - you are feeling the loss of the old relationship. Refocus your attention back to the ideas presented above, and look for your own joy - your own peace of mind will develop through this process.

Change my feelings.
Q: I hate my job. Well, I don't really hate it. It is just so hard to go to work. I feel like my coworkers don't respect me and certainly my boss doesn't. Everyone says the same thing to me, "Find another job." It isn't that easy to change jobs right now. I just want to make it through the day without feeling exhausted and wanting to cry when I get home. How do I stop feeling this way?
Carmen
Dunedin, FL

A: This may not be the best time to hear, "just find another job," but one day, that may indeed be the best solution. Until then, you may want to do some refocusing of you daily attention. You are going to have to try real hard to find something about your job that is good, and then focus your attention to that each day. You could make a list of five things about your job that you do like. Remind yourself that you are not there forever, there will be a day when you can begin a job search and move on to something different. Respect is a subjective feeling - a glad feeling having to do with the idea that you are valued. It is quite possible that your boss, or your coworkers don't value you. On the other hand, maybe they are just poor at expressing positives about others. Either way, you may need to find a way to de-value the respect (opinions) of others, and re-value your own. In order to accomplish that, you can evaluate your performance on the job, and decide for yourself if you think you do well, and make changes if needed. Let's say you are not receiving concrete negative feedback from your boss, and, you think you are performing satisfactorily (or better) according to your job description. In that case, work on disregarding your feelings about not being respected by them, focus on your own respect. Whether or not others respect you, is out of your control. Developing your own sense of respect is completely within your control and well worth the effort, "I think I'm doing a good job. I'm going to ignore my thoughts and feelings about needing respect from others, and I'm going to get that respect from myself."

Food, food, food!
Q: I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about food. I'm 42 years old, recently divorced, and just started a new job. I have gained about 45 pounds in the past year and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. Any suggestions?
Michael
St. Petersburg, FL

A: During the middle of a lot of change (divorce, new job), it's common to want to latch on to something familiar. Oftentimes we are drawn to those things or activities that have a high level of predictability for being gratifying or stress reducing - that's human nature. For example, many of us are highly certain that eating ice cream is going to taste good and feel good. Common feel good choices are: comfort foods, alcohol, reading, television, sleep, sexual activity, and spending time with friends. What we are drawn to can be adaptive or maladaptive. The trick (as with many solutions) is to find balance - try to mix in some adaptive and healthy feel good choices with your self-indulgences. The reason for obsessing about food probably means that you are lacking in adaptive alternatives and you are interested in relieving your stress as quickly and efficiently as possible. While a bucket of chicken may no doubt do the trick of stress reduction in the now, you wind up creating another problem, which will eventually catch up with you, and, require more painful change. A vicious cycle is born. The solution - find balance, and have faith in the outcome of your healthy choices. Make a commitment to yourself that before any self-indulgence you engage in, you will do something healthy for yourself first. With time, you just might develop increased value of your healthy choices, and the bucket of chicken may instead become a snack-pack.

Laundry troubles?
Q: I've been married to my husband for almost ten years. We seem to have arguments about everything lately. From money to how to fold the laundry, we fight about it. I've read some books, and they give some good advice, but either we try it and fail, or he won't cooperate in the method with me. What can I do? Please help!
Jenny
Tampa, FL

A: You are not alone in your struggle Jenny. Many couples that I see in therapy struggle with the same problem. There are some changes you can make with or without your husbands participation. You may also find that if you lead the way in positive changes, he may follow. The most important changes you can begin with are perceptual in nature. That is, see things in a new way. See yourself as a confident person who has nothing to prove. You can express your thoughts and feelings in a reasonable and friendly way to your husband, and simply decide not to participate in a debate about if you are right or wrong. See yourself as a person who makes requests for fair cooperation, and who is willing to compromise toward achieving a more harmonious union. See yourself as a person who recognizes positives in him, look for the positives, and then expresses those positive thoughts to him on a regular basis. Make a commitment to yourself that you will make these constructive perceptual changes and behavioral changes. It is not fair to expect him to make changes that you are not willing to make yourself. So, be the leader.

My bad anger.
Q: I have had an anger problem for as long as I can remember. Can you tell me what causes anger to be such a problem, and what are some beginning steps I can take to start to get a grip on it?
John
New Tampa, FL

A: I have experienced a lifetime of anger myself. So have all of your fellow human beings on the planet. Why? The feeling of anger is brought on by observing unfulfilled expectation. That is, you think that something is not going your way. Anger is experienced in varying intensities - from minor annoyances to rage. We all have expectations, and we all experience some type of emotion when they are not met. The feeling of anger is not the problem - the resulting behavior can be. There are a couple of beginning steps to take in reducing overall feelings of anger. First, take a look at the patterns of your anger. What are your triggers? Behind each one, most likely, you will find an expectation that is unrealistic or unreasonable to maintain. When you change the expectation, you will change the feeling - this is the basic formula for anger management. Globally, you may want to develop belief in the overall expectation that life will not always go as you want. On some level, individuals who develop problems with anger are those who maintain a belief that anger is an efficient way to create change, “If I just get angry enough, I can get my way.” Granted this approach may be efficient in some circumstances, but generally speaking, it is not. It is simply destructive when displays of anger are used to try to get your way with people that you care about. You could decide that anger is not an efficient way to create change. Moreover, there tends to be a residual effect. That is, anger feels bad, creates stress, depletes energy, and reduces peace of mind. So, be motivated each day to find ways to reduce anger, and interact with others peacefully.