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Four YES responses to the cognitive challenge means look for an external resolution. You may be able to externally resolve your guilt through what you say or do.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE CONFLICT (with behavioral change).
Resolving your guilt may or may not involve another person. If you challenge your guilt, you may conclude that you have indeed breached your own standards for conduct. With this resolution, you further conclude that the standard is in Your Own Best Interest, and choose to maintain the standard exactly as it is. Finally, you vow to yourself to change the conflicted behavior. “I did something wrong according to my own moral code. I believe I was wrong, and because I believe in this standard, I make a commitment to myself to change the behavior.”
APOLOGY OR CONFESSION (with behavioral change).
When you conclude that your misbehavior has done harm to a person or a relationship, there is an additional step to take. You complete the above acknowledgement resolution, and include an apology or confession of wrongdoing to the other person. An appropriate and effective method includes: 1) a genuine verbalization of being sorry, 2) a description of how you disregarded your own standard, 3) why in your own opinion it was wrong, and 4) your specific plan for behavioral change. In order to create or maintain trust in the relationship, you’ll also want to be accountable for the misbehavior, and be sure to follow through with the stated behavior change. “I’m really sorry that I didn’t get the laundry done last night as I said I would. It’s important to me to follow our plan of keeping up with chores around here. I got caught up in a movie that I started to watch, and I didn’t make time for it like I should have. It was completely my fault, and from now on, I’m going to make sure I get it done as we agreed.”
SELF-FORGIVENESS (with behavioral change).
We all fall short of living up to our own moral standards perfectly, and we have made mistakes in the past. We can be haunted by these mistakes and suffer over time with self-loathing or possibly even depression. This resolution of guilt, “I did the best I could at the time,” is best implemented when you have already established it as your belief. The belief is essentially this: “I believe people do the best they can just to survive at any moment, as they understand the moment, themselves, and, as they perceive life. They are engaged in this survival within the context of balancing pleasure and pain, and with respect to their own values and morals in that moment.” If you can find meaning and truth in this belief, then you can apply it not only to other people, but to yourself as well.
Let me break this belief down into smaller pieces. On a fundamental level, we are all trying to survive. This fundamental directive may not always be clearly observable in our everyday behavior. However, it will become observable whenever you perceive your life to be in danger.
The ego is clearly interested in survival. It believes that painful feelings are dangerous and will attempt to convince you to avoid them and the situations that generate them. Simultaneously, we seek out gratification and gratifying experiences. The ego would obviously like to create mostly gratification, but will settle for a balance of these first two agenda directives.
Additionally, we may be attempting to follow established morals and values. Over the course of your life, morals and values can change, and what is emotionally or physically gratifying or painful may also change.
Moreover, as all of these changes occur over time, our view of self, others and life also change. So, a bad choice that you made eight years ago, or eight days ago, was made within a context of that time and your belief system at that time. You might not make the same choice today. Holding on to your guilt will not change the past. Concluding that you did the best you could at that time, based on your belief system and your pain at that time helps you to let go of the guilt. Follow the steps from the above Apology or Confession resolution as you essentially apologize to yourself and establish a moral standard that applies for today and the future.
You may have some difficulty with this resolution if you are not convinced that you did the best you could. In that case, recall your misdeed and the circumstances at that time, and ask yourself, “Why didn’t I make a different choice?” If you have further doubt, keep this in mind: Emotions, both painful and pleasurable, when combined with the convincing nature of ego, can be powerful motivators of misguided behavior.
Expect that in life you will make mistakes, or fall short of your own standards along the way. Expect yourself to follow your own moral code consistently, but not perfectly. This resolution is not to be used as disguised ego maintenance; this is a form of self-compassion. Be understanding and gentle with yourself, but firm in upholding your moral code.
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