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Four YES responses to the cognitive challenge means look for an external resolution. Below you will find examples of how to externally resolve your anger through what you say or do.
GET ASSERTIVE.
Formulate an action plan or an assertive solution that is consistent with your belief system. With this resolution, you need to clearly identify your needs, wants, rights, responsibilities, and weigh those with the other person(s). Make sure you consider the “big picture.”
You essentially convert your anger into an assertive request for change. Remember, you can't get what you want unless you ask for it.
ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP POLICY.
When you believe that someone has “done you wrong” and you want to continue the relationship, you may need to clarify the “rules” of the relationship. Remaining angry with someone may fuel your ego’s agenda.
Begin with an awareness that the other individual has an ego with an agenda. Instead of maintaining an angry focus on the “bad” thing the other individual did or neglected to do, define what you need or want to be different. In a friendly manner, you ask for the realistic, reasonable, and relationally fair change and wait for the their response. It is important to end most assertive statements with a question to clarify the other’s commitment to change. In other words, you attempt to clarify the structure of the relationship.
The agreed upon commitment to change becomes what I call a relationship policy. This policy combined with their ability to follow through, will allow you to determine trustworthiness over time. The mistake most people make in relationships is to maintain an ego focus on the bad or wrong behavior of the other and then attempt to change that person through criticism, judgment, parenting, or threat. These tactics eventually cause damage to relationships and lead to a continuation of problems.
If the other is willing to apologize, then you may want to ask them to specifically define why they think their behavior was wrong for them and/or the relationship. A clear response here will serve to strengthen the relationship in that there is a greater sense that you are both on the same moral page.
Ideally, in the end you have asked for what you want or need, clarified future expected behavior, and let go of the anger. Forgiveness becomes more agreeable with this relational clarification. There is always a possibility that you may not get cooperation. There is also a possibility that they return to the former unwanted behavior, thereby neglecting the policy. In either case, return to the Cognitive Challenge, or consider a different feeling resolution.
COMPROMISE.
In using this resolution for anger, you would want to consider the big picture, and determine what is in Your Best Interest. Compromise means being able to appreciate and consider someone else’s point of view along with their needs and wants. You will want to be aware of ego stubbornness as you relax your natural desire for control.
Can you remain open to consider compromise and/or negotiation? How much are you willing to depart from your values and/or moral code in order to maintain a relationship?
It is more tolerable to compromise in a relationship when there is a balanced history of give and take from both parties, or when both clearly gain from the arrangement. In other words, “My experiences with you over time allow me to trust that it’s ok to compromise with you.”
Still, sometimes it is hard to give up what you want so very much. There is integrity in being able to say, “I am willing to compromise, even though I experience some loss of what I wanted, because there is a gain for us.” For help with this, take a look at sad resolutions.
After your careful consideration (the cognitive challenge), perhaps some things cannot be compromised. There is also integrity in being able to say, “This is very important to me (YOBI valued), so I’m afraid I just can't compromise in this case.”
BREAK IT UP. (Procrastination Part 1)
“I don’t like having to do this.” “I’m afraid I’ll do a bad job.” These are two different types of thoughts, which produce two different feelings. As you can see, the feeling origin of procrastination could be based in either ego anger or ego fear.
Procrastination as a behavior is seen as the avoidance of a certain task. Fortunately, almost any task, big or small, can be broken down into a number of smaller, organized, and prioritized tasks. At some point, the smaller tasks become tolerable, and therefore approachable. You could also mix in some enjoyable (perhaps ego gratifying) activity in-between the tasks.
So, when you face what appears to be an overwhelming task of gigantic proportions, and your “I don’t like this” angry ego thinking has brought you to a screeching halt, remember—think “BOP’EM”: Break it down, Organize it, Prioritized it, and Ego Mix it up. Then celebrate the completion of each small victory toward the big victory at the end.
I have worked with many clients who are looking for a magic solution to the problem of procrastination. If there is a magical solution, it is related to how you perceive the problem and the outcome. The problem is the ego thinking too big; the solution is to think smaller from a different perspective.
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