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Any NO response to the cognitive challenge means look for an internal resolution. Below you will find examples of how to internally resolve your anger through how you think.
UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE FORGIVENESS OF THE HUMAN RACE.
Expect that everyone out there has an ego with an agenda just like you. Some are more aware of this fact than others. Some attempt to transcend or go beyond their ego, and some do not. Staying angry with people in general for being human and following their ego-nature will only fuel your ego’s agenda and decrease your level of trust in the world. Challenge yourself to be ready to forgive. This form of forgiveness doesn’t mean that you tolerate bad behavior from others. It means that you are able to understand human nature, set limits where appropriate, and move on.
So, realistically expect that some people in some circumstances on some occasions will want to use you to:
1. Relieve their pain.
2. Increase their gratification.
3. Increase their sense of power and control.
4. Create or confirm a sense of their ego-ideal such as overall superiority, intelligence, attractiveness, bigger, better, faster, stronger, etc.
When this happens, remember to respond from your belief system. Practically speaking, you may want to establish an overall belief (expectation) that just like you, others around you will follow their ego’s agenda, and on those occasions when they don’t, celebrate!
MAKE A RULE.
You may need to establish a rule for yourself that says, “I don’t act on intense anger until I have given myself time to fully consider my options in a moment of calmness.” If you are prone to acting out your anger impulsively, your ego may put up a fight against this rule. Some might say that rules are meant to be broken, this one is not.
YOBI REALIGNMENT.
You may determine that the origin of your anger is due to an expectation that is no longer realistic and is not aligned with Your Own Best Interest. This kind of anger may be maintained at a subconscious level of awareness. In that case, you will need to do some conscious work to establish a new and more realistic belief, and then go about finding evidence to support it.
“OH WELL…”
An entire solution summed up in two powerful words. What does this solution really mean? “I didn’t get what I wanted, oh well, it’s really in my best interest to move on.” This is only healthy to the extent that you really believe what you are saying to yourself. In contrast, using “oh well” as an excuse to cover up a specific continuing disappointment will do more harm than good in the long run.
TRANSFORM YOUR ANGER.
Transforming the feeling of anger requires you to look beneath your anger-based thinking to a subconscious level. Beneath anger you will discover a desire for change. The fact is that some things in life we cannot change. Therefore, you may need to consider acceptance of what you cannot change (go to sad solutions to deal with the loss of your expectation).
As you explore your anger you may determine that it is actually related to a possible negative consequence. That is, “I don’t like what could happen.” It would be far more helpful to deal with this situation as fear rather than anger (go to fear solutions).
If you determine that your anger is due to how you behaved, “I’m not happy with how I did that, it was wrong,” you will want to explore your guilt at some point rather than to beat up on yourself for too long (go to bad solutions).
FORCE AN EMOTIONAL CHANGE.
Take a temporary break from your anger and force a positive emotional change until you can make a cognitive change. This resolution is about doing something predictably enjoyable to help you get your mind off of whatever you are mad about. This will give your brain and the rest of your body a temporary break from the stress, and allow you to look at the problem later with a fresh perspective. I often recommend doing something that will completely grab your perception and hold it there, such as seeing a movie at a theater (with snacks). Another good idea for some is the combination of taking a warm bath with music, something tasty to eat or drink, something pleasantly aromatic, and low lighting. Either of these environments considerably stimulate your senses at the same time, and give you a temporary break. Of course, you will eventually want to return to cognitive form of problem solving.
THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE.
In many ways, the opposite of anger is patience. As you look beneath the feeling of anger to its subconscious origin, you may find a desire for results to happen on your time schedule. The resolution here is simple. “Things (self, others, world) will not always go my way or according to my time schedule.” This resolution is about learning to delay gratification when appropriate.
How do you know what wait time frame is appropriate? You apply the cognitive challenge. In other words, “What is a realistic, reasonable, and fair time frame for this situation?” Believe it or not, an effective way to learn the value of patience is to simply practice it. For example, if you practice appropriate patience while driving in rush hour traffic, you may find that your experience is much more pleasant than if you maintain a focus on the idea that the person in front of you isn’t going fast enough. So you choose to focus your attention on something pleasant. With this resolution you create peace of mind through your choices.
WELCOME CHANGE.
A fundamental and critical action step involved in effective anger management is to monitor your expectations. This resolution challenges you to maintain a global expectation, or belief, about the reality of change. You cannot anticipate every little possible change that life has to offer. However, you can develop a realistic acceptance that you change, other people change, the world will change. Expect that change will be part of life, and that will never change. To the extent that you understand the nature of change, you will be less angry as you encounter it.
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