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Any NO response to the cognitive challenge means look for an internal resolution. You may be able to internally resolve your sadness through how you think.
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.
Expect that loss will be a part of life; this isn’t a philosophical epiphany. It’s not pretty, glamorous, fancy, or clever – Its just plain old-fashioned truth that we need to get used to. Someone whom I greatly respect and love has a way of summing this up, “Just suck it up, and move on.” Now those are words to live by. The simple and undisputable truth is, things in life will change; you will change, people around you will change, your environments will change, and your world will continue to change. Some changes bring about loss. The question is, “Will your belief system tolerate change and accept loss as necessary?”
There is no doubt that some changes and losses are extremely painful and avoidance would seem to be preferable. There is also no doubt that some losses are real and not reversible. Resistance and the persistent avoidance of the reality of those losses will prolong your suffering.
Your acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that you believe the change or loss is right, it simply means that you acknowledge reality. When you experience persistent sadness about a specific loss, right or wrong, you may need to consider acceptance of what you cannot change, and move on through a process of grieving.
BEGIN TO GRIEVE THE LOSS.
With a real confirmed loss, you will want to begin a process of actively grieving. This means establishing full awareness of the loss, and dealing with it. One simple description of the process of grieving includes the following stages: denial, anger, bargaining, despair, and acceptance.
The first phase, denial, is fear-based cognition about a bad outcome or situation that has been brought to awareness. “This is not happening,” must eventually become, “This is happening, and I am facing this outcome.”
Next phase is anger, “This is not going my way,” must be transformed into, “I can’t change this,” or, “This outcome will not change.”
In the bargaining phase, associated with the feeling category bad, one attempts to change the undesired (bad) outcome through negotiation. “Have I done something wrong,” must be transformed into an honest appraisal of “right or wrong, I will face this change and learn from it.”
Despair or sadness is central to the concept of grief, “This loss really hurts, how can I go on?” The healthy resolution is, “This really did happen, this does hurt, and this is a change.”
The final phase, acceptance, is most closely associated with glad, “I have survived this real loss, things really have changed, I am readjusting, moving on, and now looking forward in my life.” Theoretically, with acceptance the grieving cycle is complete or resolving. If any of these phases has not been completed with a healthy resolution thought, the feeling can remain an obstacle to being able to move on. The time frame involved in this process can be minutes or years, depending on the perceived value of the object of loss.
The external form of this resolution involves going through the steps of your grieving and writing down all of your thoughts and feelings relate to the phases.
REFRAME THE LOSS.
Take another look at your loss and see if you can frame it in a different perceptual way. Can you take the lemons at hand and make lemonade? Can you see the glass as being half full instead of half empty? Is it possible that you can find a potential gain that coexists with your loss?
I find that when properly motivated, people can do amazing reframing. For example, divorce, being laid off at work, or death are all forms of loss. These are painful losses. It may help to tell yourself, “Along with the divorce comes the freedom to plan my own direction in life.” With death, “The universe works in mysterious ways that we don’t always understand, I don’t like it, but maybe it’s for the greater good.” With other types of losses or adjustment, you may tell yourself, “What comes around goes around,” “Every cloud has a silver lining,” “Things happen for a reason,” or “When one door shuts another opens.”
These are most likely familiar sayings to you. They are familiar because they work for many people quite well. However, any of these reframing statements will only work if you genuinely believe it, or can find truth in it for you and your situation. Remember, you cannot fool yourself for long. Your feelings will bear out your most fundamental truth. If you tell yourself, “Its ok, I was dumped by my boyfriend, but things happen for a reason,” and you continue to cry and remain sad for six months, you apparently do not believe your reframing statement on a deep level of awareness. In order to move on, you will need to do some additional processing of the feelings around your loss. If you are not ready to accept the reality of your loss, you will most likely not be willing to engage in the process of letting go, and subsequent moving on.
RE-ASSESS WHAT YOU HAVE.
This might simply be regarded as “counting your blessings.” When you find yourself in a painful grieving process of letting go, your focus will be on “the loss” of what you no longer have. You can become stuck in a perspective of what you don’t have. You may experience a perceptual snowball effect of thinking about all of the other losses you have had. It may be helpful to consider that which you still have. For some, this is a difficult task. You may have lost your job, but you do have skills to apply elsewhere. You may have not been able to get that new car that you wanted, but you do have a roof over your head, and food in your home. Cases of disaster such as fire, flood, and hurricane are relatively rare. Fortunately, most of us are spared these and other horrendous situations. Anyone who survives such an event may be greatly challenged for a long time to adjust and recover; perhaps never again being fully the same. Most of us can truly count ourselves lucky to be able to live without encountering disasters. Take another look at your life to see what you may be taking for granted.
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